I've been glimpsing over my posts to date and am beginning to wonder if I'm capable of posing a question online that doesn't, in appearance at least, contain it's own answer. (Interesting choice of word, "posing," but I refuse to chase that rabbit today). I mean I feel as though I am already making myself "the hero" of every story, even if only through this rediculous idea that I can live out, comment on, cast my verdict and then sum up a life lesson about pretty much everything that happens to me...of any real interest, at least.
Let me temper this somewhat severe insight with one brief observation: God is real and He is working in my life. Even reading back over that line it seems to have that religious lilt that so readily drives me absolutely nuts ("God is Great!" "All the time!") but it really is true. It is the whole "eyes to see" thing at work - yes I am a bit lost at times, yes I'm making tragic errors and taking missteps, and yes I am plagued by an overly indulgent sense of self that often feels like a spotlight of harsh condemnation and recrimination. But in the midst of that struggle, there is a consistently brighter light that includes with it clearer understanding both of self and of circumstance.
So, in light of that, perhaps it isn't quite so terrible to start a post with "here's something interesting or hard or dangerous" and end it with an observation that seems to wrap it all up in a neat bow. Particularly as it reflects the real process I'm living in...the process of seeing Him provide answers that I have no hope of finding on my own. Oops - I think I'm doing it again...
Does everyone who tries this blogging thing come to this point? Does everyone hit this wall that begs the question, am I just gonna throw some crap at the wall or am I going to try and make it art, as well?
Regardless, if only for the sake of my own experience and a meager step outside of my "comfort zone," I have no scripture reference and no revelatory anecdote to offer. In fact, I suppose everything up to this is really no more than my self conscious prelude to what's really been on my mind lately.
Today I am wrestling between writer's block and writer's outlet. (Does the droning internal debate rushing out into the world of bloghood give you a hint as to this struggle?) This blog is a great outlet that calls to me regularly, urging me to excercise my imagination and articulate my thoughts. In the midst of the incredible & ongoing opportunity to participate in the ever expanding online community, I have unfinished, seemingly important, work to complete.
40 pages of a screenplay that could be great.
Chapters yet to write in a first novel.
A hoped for collaboration with another man struggling to become an author.
A poem for my wife.
I am concentrating on and dedicating myself to a better writer's ethic through this blogging effort (and the ones before and yet to come), but is it working...or is it another stall in my long history of stalling? Why is it that I can't seem to pick up something that saw such a great start...and that it gets heavier and harder the further away I am?
I've even finished and seen a play produced...seems I should be able to gather some strength through that "finish" - some lesson learned that I could re-apply here and save the day?
But instead I will stop here, leaving this problem unsolved, and hope that the effort to be a little more "raw" strikes another small, internal blow against my unwavering ability to avoid what seems so vital and important.
Besides, I have a beer in the fridge and there's got to be something ready to start on TV, right?
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