If you have never written, or tried to write, it might be hard to understand the monumental effort that this particular post represents for me. This is the hurdle point, the wall that must be climbed...I've let things go stale.
Every book I've begun to write, every play, every screenplay...everything short of poetry (because it can usually be tackled in a single sitting, apart from editing and picking it apart later) hits this moment of blockage. This painful period where time and distance have entered between me and the work - and pressing on is the hardest thing in my life.
This "blogging" practice shouldn't be subject to the same pain, should it? I'm starting fresh with a new thought each time I sit down...but there is a continuity of consciousness here that, at the very least, feels the same. Each time I sit down to write I find the well dry or I hate what I'm writing (like I do now, in fact) and i allow it to dissuade me from pressing on.
But I must press on, right?
The truth is that this mirrors my life as well. In the past two (or is it three?) weeks I have seen my walk with God grow somewhat stale and distant... I've not sat with the people in my life that matter most and experienced that "set apart" time that is so necessary to me for proper (upward) orientation. I've not really just been going through the motions as I've had great, rich experiences with my wife and kids...but even in the midst of great times I have felt somewhat stifled. Somewhat small.
Among my little group we would call this "living in the small story." It implies a reluctance to be engaged and to be pressing forward for something bigger and better, greater than myself. Passionate pursuit of the prize even amidst understanding (or perhaps more because of the understanding) that it isn't all about me...but that I do have something important to offer.
Driving into the office this morning I remembered an oddly appropriate scene (well, a very appropriate scene, though from an odd source) featuring the incomparable Keanu Reeves. Please note the tongue-in-cheek usage here.
The Replacements is an odd, funny little movie that starred both Reeves and Gene Hackman, among some others. A story of throw-away football players recruited to walk in as "scabs" during a labor dispute in the NFL (or whatever they called the "NFL" in the film). In a team meeting Reeves describes the feeling of being caught in quicksand...its a great message that likely redeems the entire film.
Quicksand - that feeling that you are stuck and that every effort you make only serves to make things worse. A missed play that leads to another and another. A day away from a blog or a script that seems to grow insurmountable as each additional day mounts. Yeah...that's just what it's like.
So here is my only hope - in the midst of this, He still shows up. Its a striking reminder, for me, that God's will for my life doesn't depend on me - it only enables me. Even as I struggle to properly orient, God injects Himself into my life in ways that can only be His. In this instance an email about preparations for surf fishing led to one more instance of God using The Parable of the Talents to remind me that he is actively at work.
But that story will have to be the source of inspiration for my next post. For now I have somehow clamored over the wall and found a way to click the "submit" button, and that's enough for me to inject a small measure of life into the seemingly stale story. Enough to slip free from the quicksand.
