I recently spent some time studying and seeking God, an admittedly rarer occasion in its intentionality, for me, than I like to confess! I’m working my way through a book called “The Way of the Wild Heart” and I found my beliefs disrupted by this passage:
“…we turn from our independence and all the ways we either charge at life or shrink from it, this may be one of the most basic and the most crucial ways a man repents. I say ‘repent’ because our approach to life is based on the conviction that God, for the most part, doesn’t show up much. We must be willing to take an enormous risk, and open our hearts to the possibility that God is initiating us as men – maybe even in the very things in which we thought he’d abandoned us. We open ourselves up to being fathered.”
A strikingly different interpretation, for me, of the term “repentance.” I mean, don’t I repent of the things I’ve done wrong? Of the mistakes I’ve made? What in heaven is this idea that I should repent of my “approach to life?”
At church this past Sunday our pastor delved into the 4th chapter of 1st Corinthians – a chapter that has Paul asserting himself as a father might assert himself to his (wayward) children. I was reviewing this in “The Message” and found Paul chiming in with a similar theme: “There are a lot of people around who can’t wait to tell you what you’ve done wrong, but there aren’t many fathers willing to take the time and effort to help you grow up. (within 4.14-16)” And then, in 4.20, he says “God’s Way is not a matter of mere talk; it’s an empowered life.”
So I’m staring at this page in a workbook that is asking me to consider “What must I repent of?” and I’m struck by the utter frankness of it. That my “repentance” has, for most of my life, been a very shallow and childish thing. Something I felt in earnest and sought faithfully for the errors I made; but something I never dove deeply enough into to truly be washed clean. Rinse, wash, repeat. And now, here is someone essentially saying, “your attack plan for life – running into the battle against your fears or succumbing to them, either way – it is all built on your false, fatal notion of independence…you have been ‘repenting’ of symptoms and overlooked your illness!” Not just that, but because I haven’t recognized my fundamental, basic distrust of God… my basic belief that He “doesn’t show up much”… I’ve broken my relationship with Him in a way that makes me feel abandoned! In a way that makes me fatherless. In a way that makes me un-empowered.
And so now this new repentance is not just a command: Repent of Your Sins! It is an invitation to disavow the lie that I am independent and begin living the truth that God is involved and that He wants to initiate me as His son! Is it selfish to seek repentance for this, apparently “truer,” sin when my real motive is to clamor over it as a hurdle, a wall, a mountain, that keeps me from God? My repentance of things has always seemed more meek, more self-effacing than this! Or is it the truth: that repentance isn’t about feeling bad for my failings, but grieving my brokenness as it separates me from my Father and rushing toward Him in the desperate hope that He will open His arms and embrace me, completely, with His love!? Isn’t THIS the hope (and the promise) of the Prodigal Son?
I do not in any way profess to have this “figured out,” but I’m on a journey of discovering the truth: I really can trust God, He really does show up, He really wants to be my father and to initiate me and to see me more whole and more empowered and more alive tomorrow than I was yesterday. And when I am journeying into that new and growing belief, the failures that so recently seemed to own me – the symptoms that I so frequently “treated” – have little, and lessening, sway in my life.
We happy few...
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Reflections on Top Gun '08
In March 2008 I reluctantly attended an event in Rockbridge, VA called "Top Gun." This 4-day retreat marked the beginning of a new journey in my life, one that seems far more authentic and Christ-like than the life I've tried, or failed, to live in the 30-some-odd preceding years. A year later this journey is reflected in my humble commitment to share my thoughts openly online through this blog - but the beginnings of the journey were first articulated in an email I sent to the organizer of Top Gun late last spring. The beginnings of this journey mark the kindling of the first small flame in my life of true desire and hope...the hope that my heart's desires might just be my closest and most reliable connection to God.
Here is my remembrance of the impact of that long weekend:
Coming into Top Gun a few weeks back I was struggling to hear God in my life. I felt very separate from Him – like I was going through the motions and catching an occasional glimpse, far more like a memory of what it used to be like to have a relationship with Christ than any true relationship “today.” I was nearly totally isolated and could feel what little remained slipping away from my grasp. In fact, as we prepared to go to Rockbridge, I challenged God to meet me at Top Gun – a bit of a frightening prospect given that I honestly felt that He would likely not arrive and that my fears and doubts would only be confirmed: God either wasn’t as real as I thought or didn’t care enough about me to demonstrate Himself more clearly and overcome my doubt.
Friday night after the last session I was overwhelmed with these fears – I wandered the grounds of Rockbridge, avoided anyone else at the event, and finally found a spot by myself to pray and think. For some time – an hour perhaps – I wrestled with prayer and with my own intruding thoughts. Something would occur to me and I would think, “Is that Him?” and then doubt my own question as quickly as I’d had it… wouldn’t God be more obvious if He came? Why wouldn’t He come now? I was writhing in this cacophony of my own fears and doubts when, though I couldn’t really describe to you how or when it resolved, the noise of jumbled doubt and darkness faded in the distance as I realized there was a more certain clarity somehow in the midst of it all. It wasn’t a “stopping” of one thing and a “starting” of another as much as it was like stumbling over a certain thing that had been overlooked while in plane view… and, in discovering it, everything else simply faded away.
The thing I’d stumbled into was this simple phrase: “Lay hold of that for which you were laid hold of.”
For the time being, I could only “lay hold” of those words. They were both familiar and “other” to me – not that I had any sense that I’d evoked them (quite the contrary), but more that they had been given to me despite their odd familiarity, if that makes any kind of sense. I got up from my isolated spot and went to find a bible, all the time repeating those words in my head like a mantra. Back at my room I was fortunate to have my wife’s thick, black bible with me (mine doesn’t have all the bells and whistles) and was able to search through the concordance for help finding the simple word, “lay.” The phrase, I discovered, comes from Philippians 3 (12-14):
12Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus. 13Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, 14I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
I was somewhat surprised and amazed to find that this was a verse I have known for some time, though not at all from memory. One of my favorite sermons from a former church focused quite a bit on verses 13 & 14, “forgetting what lies behind and pressing on toward the prize.” In fact, that “forgetting” seems to have been a recurring theme in messages that resonate with me…but the “laying hold of” portion was clearly what God intended me to hear. To tell the truth, I was less impacted by the scripture itself than by the clear sense that God had spoken – He had heard my cry for help, understood my need, and shown up! That was remarkable enough in my book!
That night I slept just fine.
Saturday was a new day – I felt rekindled in my journey and buoyed by my experience the night before. The sessions were good and I even decided, last minute, to take the zip wire plunge into 50 degree waters! I can’t tell you now, looking back, whether it was during the morning session or later in the evening, but God still had something left to reveal for me that draws this long, long story together. During one of the sessions the speaker was talking about the difference between forgiveness and freedom. The illustration he used hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks: a tollbooth. He said (paraphrasing, of course) that forgiveness is a tollbooth that we must all pass through in order to find freedom, but that all too many of us (men in particular) spend our lives circling the tollbooth, managing sin, rather than walking through the tollbooth to embrace the life and freedom that God intends us to have.
In other words, you were explaining to me how I was called…
“To lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus.”
God’s overwhelming message to me on Top Gun weekend was to finally break through my internalized cycles of failure & my continual struggle to make myself “do better” – He made clear to me that His METHOD to lay hold of me is FORGIVENESS but that I was not laid hold of for FORGIVENESS’ SAKE!
I was forgiven so that I might lay hold of LIFE…not forgiveness! And instead I’ve been circling the tollbooth for years.
I’ve been circling the tollbooth thinking I was reaching for the prize, and all I’ve been doing is reaching into my pocket for another quarter of repentance. Not that repentance is unwarranted or uncalled for…simply that it is not the promise.
SO, now I stand on the other side of the tollbooth, battling sin not as a peasant battles for crumbs from the table, but as a warrior battles through the flames and past the dragon in pursuit of the princess. Freedom and life are my battle cry – sin and failure are not defeated for their own sake, but are hacked through as hurdles to overcome in pursuit of God’s promise in my life. And I can trust that the promise is good and that Christ is real and alive…because he spoke to me in the midst of darkness in the middle of Top Gun.
And that’s my story.
Like many “awakenings,” I suppose, it at times appears to have only modest impact in the moment-by-moment life that I lead – another reason to give thanks for Friday morning coffee with my “band.” Yet it offers such clarity of vision in moments like this (this taking time apart to write) that its impact is obvious and true and reverberates to my core. I have walked down the aisle in pursuit of forgiveness – “kneeled at the altar of the tollbooth” – over and again my entire life (I mean this literally, by the way). I have listened to men preach about the pursuit of the prize, of running the race, and somehow had that message twisted into a strange vision where the tape at the end of the track…the finish line… was Forgiveness – that it was the prize. Now I am truly free to run the race because I finally understand that Forgiveness came at the sound of the starter’s pistol – Freedom and Life are the race and the finish and the ever after; the promise of Christ!
Here is my remembrance of the impact of that long weekend:
Coming into Top Gun a few weeks back I was struggling to hear God in my life. I felt very separate from Him – like I was going through the motions and catching an occasional glimpse, far more like a memory of what it used to be like to have a relationship with Christ than any true relationship “today.” I was nearly totally isolated and could feel what little remained slipping away from my grasp. In fact, as we prepared to go to Rockbridge, I challenged God to meet me at Top Gun – a bit of a frightening prospect given that I honestly felt that He would likely not arrive and that my fears and doubts would only be confirmed: God either wasn’t as real as I thought or didn’t care enough about me to demonstrate Himself more clearly and overcome my doubt.
Friday night after the last session I was overwhelmed with these fears – I wandered the grounds of Rockbridge, avoided anyone else at the event, and finally found a spot by myself to pray and think. For some time – an hour perhaps – I wrestled with prayer and with my own intruding thoughts. Something would occur to me and I would think, “Is that Him?” and then doubt my own question as quickly as I’d had it… wouldn’t God be more obvious if He came? Why wouldn’t He come now? I was writhing in this cacophony of my own fears and doubts when, though I couldn’t really describe to you how or when it resolved, the noise of jumbled doubt and darkness faded in the distance as I realized there was a more certain clarity somehow in the midst of it all. It wasn’t a “stopping” of one thing and a “starting” of another as much as it was like stumbling over a certain thing that had been overlooked while in plane view… and, in discovering it, everything else simply faded away.
The thing I’d stumbled into was this simple phrase: “Lay hold of that for which you were laid hold of.”
For the time being, I could only “lay hold” of those words. They were both familiar and “other” to me – not that I had any sense that I’d evoked them (quite the contrary), but more that they had been given to me despite their odd familiarity, if that makes any kind of sense. I got up from my isolated spot and went to find a bible, all the time repeating those words in my head like a mantra. Back at my room I was fortunate to have my wife’s thick, black bible with me (mine doesn’t have all the bells and whistles) and was able to search through the concordance for help finding the simple word, “lay.” The phrase, I discovered, comes from Philippians 3 (12-14):
12Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus. 13Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, 14I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
I was somewhat surprised and amazed to find that this was a verse I have known for some time, though not at all from memory. One of my favorite sermons from a former church focused quite a bit on verses 13 & 14, “forgetting what lies behind and pressing on toward the prize.” In fact, that “forgetting” seems to have been a recurring theme in messages that resonate with me…but the “laying hold of” portion was clearly what God intended me to hear. To tell the truth, I was less impacted by the scripture itself than by the clear sense that God had spoken – He had heard my cry for help, understood my need, and shown up! That was remarkable enough in my book!
That night I slept just fine.
Saturday was a new day – I felt rekindled in my journey and buoyed by my experience the night before. The sessions were good and I even decided, last minute, to take the zip wire plunge into 50 degree waters! I can’t tell you now, looking back, whether it was during the morning session or later in the evening, but God still had something left to reveal for me that draws this long, long story together. During one of the sessions the speaker was talking about the difference between forgiveness and freedom. The illustration he used hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks: a tollbooth. He said (paraphrasing, of course) that forgiveness is a tollbooth that we must all pass through in order to find freedom, but that all too many of us (men in particular) spend our lives circling the tollbooth, managing sin, rather than walking through the tollbooth to embrace the life and freedom that God intends us to have.
In other words, you were explaining to me how I was called…
“To lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus.”
God’s overwhelming message to me on Top Gun weekend was to finally break through my internalized cycles of failure & my continual struggle to make myself “do better” – He made clear to me that His METHOD to lay hold of me is FORGIVENESS but that I was not laid hold of for FORGIVENESS’ SAKE!
I was forgiven so that I might lay hold of LIFE…not forgiveness! And instead I’ve been circling the tollbooth for years.
I’ve been circling the tollbooth thinking I was reaching for the prize, and all I’ve been doing is reaching into my pocket for another quarter of repentance. Not that repentance is unwarranted or uncalled for…simply that it is not the promise.
SO, now I stand on the other side of the tollbooth, battling sin not as a peasant battles for crumbs from the table, but as a warrior battles through the flames and past the dragon in pursuit of the princess. Freedom and life are my battle cry – sin and failure are not defeated for their own sake, but are hacked through as hurdles to overcome in pursuit of God’s promise in my life. And I can trust that the promise is good and that Christ is real and alive…because he spoke to me in the midst of darkness in the middle of Top Gun.
And that’s my story.
Like many “awakenings,” I suppose, it at times appears to have only modest impact in the moment-by-moment life that I lead – another reason to give thanks for Friday morning coffee with my “band.” Yet it offers such clarity of vision in moments like this (this taking time apart to write) that its impact is obvious and true and reverberates to my core. I have walked down the aisle in pursuit of forgiveness – “kneeled at the altar of the tollbooth” – over and again my entire life (I mean this literally, by the way). I have listened to men preach about the pursuit of the prize, of running the race, and somehow had that message twisted into a strange vision where the tape at the end of the track…the finish line… was Forgiveness – that it was the prize. Now I am truly free to run the race because I finally understand that Forgiveness came at the sound of the starter’s pistol – Freedom and Life are the race and the finish and the ever after; the promise of Christ!
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